20 May 2010

Back in the Saddle

Appropriate title since I am blogging from the land of the Dallas Cowboys! (Boo Hiss!) Anyway, I am happy to be here because it means I am visiting with my sister and her family. Her oldest daughter and my godchild, Camille is receiving her First Communion this Saturday. I am glad we can celebrate such a special event with her.

A few weeks ago, I read a blog by a Catholic mom and she had written that she would update the blog on certain days. That was a light bulb moment for me! YES! I need deadlines. That was the solution. I would committ to posting a new blog on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Not a big committment, but a committment none the less that would force me to sit and write all the thoughts that are constantly rattling around this brain of mine. Well, you can see how far that has gotten me. No where but "guiltville". Maybe it is the fact that "guiltville" is not a pleasant place to be or maybe being on the road makes me feel like I should be blogging. In either case, here I am writing again.

There is SO much I could write about this spring and what it feels like to be in limbo. Last May, we thought we were moving to Las Vegas. Now, a year later, we still don't know where we want to be. It stinks. On good days, I think of it as an extended Thursday. Let me explain. Thursday is my favorite day of the week because it holds all the promise of the weekend ahead. I like Christmas Eve better than Christmas Day and even the day BEFORE my birthday better than the actual day. It's all in the anticipation. Right now, we can talk and dream and hope. We don't have to pack and schedule. Dreaming and hoping is great but eventually you are ready to move on. I have found out that even perpetual Thursday gets old. I am ready to move on, whatever that means. Whether it be staying in New Orleans, moving to DC or even the thrill of going back overseas. On the worst days, I want to shake my fist at God and kick and scream like a toddler. Enough already! Give us a definitive answer. Make things crystal clear! But isn't that the tricky part of life? That so much of what we do isn't crystal clear and we have to make the best decisions with the information at hand, knowing full well we have to be prepared to adjust as the landscape shifts around us. Guess we are never meant to be too comfortable in this life.

The ride to Dallas afforded me time to listen to my ipod, something I don't do very often. I am not a fan of headphones. (My, doesn't that sound so 70's? I can picture myself plugged in to my parents stereo jamming to an eight track tape sporting black vinyl headphones that make me look like Princess Leia. What do we call those tiny things we insert into our ears today? Ear buds? Sounds like something you get if you don't clean your ears properly. But I digress..) Anyway, when my husband or children wear them, it feels like a personal affront, an attempt to block me out. I need to get over myself. Inserting these things into my ears, makes the music so personal, as if the artist is whispering the words just for me. I have loved James Taylor as long as I can remember and loved this particular song as well. Yesterday, however, I realized that Mr. Taylor had basically put my experience this spring into a neat little story and set that story to music.

Like everyone she knows, she's holding out for true love. Waiting on an answer. Ready for a change. And everywhere she goes she's just a little bit on the lookout, a day might mean tomorrow. Questions still remain.

It's not that she's so sad, she always was a happy soul but lately she gets to wondering to herself, what's the good of going on anymore. I see her in her room, sitting at the window, wondering if she's pretty, feeling just a little small tonight. She thinks of going home, giving up on the city maybe moving back down to Mobile. It's not that far to fall.

I know she won't see me but I might just say anyhow, if I could be right there, right now as I myself was told: "Hold tight to your heart's desire. Never ever let it go. Let nobody fool you into giving it up too soon. Tend your own fire. Lay low and be strong. Wait awhile. Wait it out. It will come along.

Wait awhile. Wait it out. Let it come along."

Thanks, James for helping me share my story and giving me some good advice.


1 comment:

  1. Oh Dina. I so enjoy reading your posts and your witty thoughts on life's lessons. I think most of us can relate to that limbo feeling you are having and I am certainly feeling it right now. I will try to follow the advise you found in song. I also find myself often in prayer that God will guide me:) Jacqueline