Having my Cake and Eating it too

Well, hello there, stranger!  Long time, no see.  What's been keeping you away?  Oh right, I haven't been writing.  Well, it's time to remedy that.

This morning my husband and I were sitting on our usual perches, sipping tea and poking around the internet.  My husband commented that I seemed quite upbeat this morning and I immediately realized why:

Today is the day BEFORE my birthday!

Photo Credit 

There are several other reasons for the spring in my step today but tomorrow being my birthday is definitely the main one.  Other contributing factors are having exam week behind us.  Three high-schoolers with three different exam schedules plus a husband out of town and me substituting three days last week made for a crazy, hectic schedule.  Add two cherries on top: the start of swim practice AND dance recital rehearsals and you can see how fun last week was for our family.

Then we arrive at Monday morning.  A holiday.  The day before my birthday.  It doesn't get much better.

One of the cutest, cuddliest children's book characters- Kipper the Dog- posed this question:

"Which is best, I wonder, Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?  

Presents or expecting presents?"

I vote for Christmas Eve.  Expecting presents.  Always.  No doubt.  Day BEFORE the birthday is better.  Once your birthday begins, you can feel it slipping through your fingers, knowing it won't come for another year.  Just like Christmas Day.

So here I am enjoying this fabulous day-before-my-birthday which happens to be the day AFTER the dance recital.  Always a glorious day.  Always a relief.  Combine that with it being a holiday and I am feeling downright giddy.

Here's one more secret to my lighthearted mood.  I LOVE the start of summer.  Putting the school year to rest and starting a new chapter.  It's even better to me than New Year's Day.  All the possibilities are there:  lists of books I'd like to read, crafts I'd like to do with the kids, outings and fun times all waiting to be enjoyed.

So here I sit, full of possibility and anticipation.  It's a great place to be and I just wanted to share it with you.

Happy today!

Happy tomorrow!

Dina  

Embracing the Messy Glory

Lately death has been intersecting my life- friends and acquaintances dealing with lives cut short,  terminal illness, tragedy.  It seems to come in batches, doesn't it.  Like death is a person and when he comes calling for anyone near us he hangs around for awhile casting a shadow on our days, our thoughts, weighing heavy on our hearts.

Last week I finished the book I was reading.  I love the feeling of finishing a book.  I love the sense of accomplishment but, more than anything, I love that the world of books is open again.  Hmmm...where will I go next, what adventure will I share?  In the library, I'm like a kid in a candy shop.  It's just too hard to decide when faced with the endless shelves of stories waiting to be read.  Finally I narrowed down the choices and went home with four books, including Each Little Bird That Sings by a new favorite author, Deborah Wiles.  I had no idea what the story was about.  

I was a little surprised when I realized the book is about a girl whose family runs a funeral home.  REALLY?  Was death looming that large over every aspect of my life?  Well, I thought, it may help me gain some insight.  It is a children's book, after all, so I knew the subject would be handled with care.  Maybe this could soothe my heart.

I love a book set in a small Southern town filled with quirky characters named funny names like Peach and Comfort.  I love a book that makes you cry when you least expect it.  I love a book that displays the heartbreaking beauty of life so vividly it takes your breath away.  This is just that kind of book and Deborah Wiles is that kind of author.  There is a forward that sets the stage when she reveals that this book was written out of her own personal experience of surviving a significant death, which makes me want to hug her even more.

The quote which sums up the book (without giving anything away in case you want to read it) is spoken by great-uncle Edisto who spent his life dealing with death:

Open your arms to life!  Let it strut into your heart 

in all it's messy glory!

When life seems so fragile and it appears that tragedy is lurking around ever corner, "It takes courage to look life in the eye and say yes to the messy glory".  In the end, a life lived without challenge, without tears, isn't living at all.

Thank you Deborah for using your pain to create a beautiful story that we all can share.  Thank you for reminding us of the messiness of life.  Thank you for reminding us to embrace it anyway.

Dina

PS.  Check out the SHOP tab at the top of the page to see this book and others by the author. 

And Then There's February

It is was January.  That means out with the old and in with the new.  We face the new year, resolved to improve ourselves and our lives in every way.  Suddenly life is reduced to resolutions and to-do lists.  Measured by order and productivity.  Everything in it's place and a place for everything.    Eat, think, live, be- BETTER!

Every January I get swept up in this mindset but this January it had been weighing on me in particular.  This January is different from past years.  Lately, I have been working full-time.  Well, short-term, full-time if that makes sense.  There have been ample opportunities for me to substitute at my children's elementary school as several babies have been born over the past two years.  As my last maternity leave was nearing a close everyone started to ask the question,  SO....What will you do with ALL THAT TIME?  I know it was a perfectly innocent question, one asked out of friendly curiosity.  However, each time it was asked I felt stressed.  I felt pressured.  Surely now that I had managed a household of seven and worked full-time I would be able to solve the world's problems with ALL THAT TIME.  The question of what I would do had never loomed heavier on my mind or my heart.  I was becoming fearful of those empty days and hours.

I hadn't had very much time to adjust to life with all the kids in school.  I sent my youngest child off to preschool only months before the first long-term sub job started.  It seems I was just pondering my new life and it was gone before it started.  Suddenly I found myself on the outside looking in.  I was actually on the working woman side of the fence, peering in at this odd world.  What do stay-at-home moms do all day, anyway?  It is often asked with a bit of envy and a healthy dose of contempt.  What had I done before I worked?  Certainly moms with young children at home are given a pass so to speak.  We can all understand the amount of time it takes to care for a tantrum-throwing, mess-making, attention-demanding toddler.  But what happens when the kids all go to school?  Not sure what other stay-at-home moms do but I can sum up my first month home in two words: NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.  Think I am being funny?  Well, sort of.

I found myself waking up at 5:30 am hell bent on seizing the day (Dead Poets Society being one of my all time favorite movies, after all).  I would breathlessly worry my way through the day always wondering if my priorities were precise and what I else I could, would, should be doing.  By 10:30 pm, despite having crossed everything off my neatly- written to do list I collapsed in bed feeling like I had not accomplished enough.  Was I productive enough?  Was I creative enough?  I was striving to be both and losing my sanity in the tension it caused.  I think the word tension is key.  In researching the definition I came across this line which stunned me by how well it summed up my month:

When things feel so tight they might snap, that's tension.

Then I found this quote by Calvin and Hobbes writer Bill Waterson which gave me a laugh:

“God put me on earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I’m so far behind, I’ll never die.” 
― Bill Watterson

Doesn't that sum up the mentality of the modern world?  It feeds into the idea that if you are busy you are important.  Your life matters.  And busy means measurable results.  Productivity.  Beds made.  Laundry folded.

I lived my January in response to an argument in my head.  An argument with nameless, faceless working women.  An argument with a voice I had encountered a few times then continued to replay in my head- You stay home.  You are not important.  I was living my life justifying it to everyone who ever made a snide comment about women who choose not to work for a time.  I was living my life, making daily choices for every one else-  EVERYONE ELSE, who I finally realized turned out to be no one- not even myself.

Now February has arrived.  In college I had a Garfield cartoon on my bulletin board claiming February to be the "armpit of the year".  I loved it then but now I couldn't disagree more.   January is a fresh start which is too demanding in it's resolution, it's perfection, it's righting all the holiday wrongs.  Heck, righting a lifetime of wrongs.  That's just too much pressure for our feeble human nature.  And then there's February.  February is a kinder, gentler month.  January is a sprint.  February is the start of the long-distance run.  Where the rubber meets the road.  Where the wheat is separated from the chaff.  What change can you really implement and live with?  What change do you want to make for you alone, no matter what the world will think.

I am happy to have survived January with my sanity mostly in tact but I am also happy that it is now in the rear-view mirror.  I am thankful it is February.  I do, however, realize there is value in both. We need the hard slap in the face that is January.  We need to be productive.  We also need the humane dose of living within balance that February, and the months after, provide.  Just as there is value in and need for both productivity and creativity.  Work is necessary but production without creativity fueling it would turn us into robots, living to work.  "Are we sent here to do chores and hold horses?" asks Thoreau.  On the other hand, creativity- a real enthusiasm, inspiration and passion for something- without any production is useless.  Dr. George Sheehan writes:

     Otherwise, we are merely wishing, idle dreamers in the world of the flaccid spirit.  We must want something and want it badly- want it with the zeal and passion and enthusiasm of a Don Quixote or a missionary.  Then, we will suddenly find ourselves in motion, with a clear focus on our goal.  Once moved, the spirit and the flesh are like a team of matched horses, each asking more of the other.  Fused by the will for that brief and wonderful moment, the flesh and the spirit become one.
     I am-just as you are-a unique, never-to-be-repeated event in this universe.  Therefore, I have-just as you have- a unique, never-to-be-repeated role to play in this world.  Mine is a personal drama for which I am at once author, actor, director, and producer.

With a hard-fought January behind me and many lessons learned, I am ready to write, act, direct and produce a wonderful February that just may last a lifetime.

Dina

Seven (Really, Really) Quick Takes

1. Sam started playing the piano this afternoon and my heart leapt. Then he stopped.

 2. I just found out about the Eric Carle Museum of Picture Book Art and I would give anything to visit.

3. I love teaching. I love being the mom of five kids. I just don't like doing them at the same time. I am so thankful for the maternity leave opportunities I have had the last two years. It is the perfect balance. 

4. There aren't enough Fridays in the week. Who do I ask about adding another?

5. Completely blindsided by a particular postcard in the mail this week advertising SENIOR RINGS. When did that happen? Senior rings, college applications. I am. NOT. READY.

6. Read this, this week.  The next time you want to have a melt down when dealing with a difficult person, try "melting down" in this way.  Great advice.

7. Sam playing the piano sparked something in me so I picked up the computer to write this short post.  Although he stopped, it got me started.  That's a good thing.

Thanks to Jennifer at Conversion Diary for getting my blogging wheels in motion again!

Happy Friday!  Happy Weekend!

The Summer of Letting Go

How has our summer been you ask?  Well, there wasn't much time to catch my breath after packing up the classroom and putting the finishing touches on the school year.

First order of business was getting two children off for three weeks of camp in North Carolina.  With finishing the school year as a good excuse, this mom nearly forgot to reserve a spot on the bus for them.  Fortunately I called in the nick of time which meant there was a spot for each child but not their bags.  This had me scrambling to cram things into duffles and ship it off, leaving me a few dollars poorer.  Lesson learned, maybe.  Call earlier next time.  And hopefully there will be a next time because the kids came back three weeks later full of bug bites and stories and wonderful memories, wearing crosses around their necks given at the last "Friendship Council".  They still put them on faithfully every day which makes me happy.

After my campers were happily on their way, the next order of business was to prepare Sam for his summer in Germany.  Passport?  Check.  Appropriate wardrobe?  Check.  Epi-pen because he has severe nut allergies?  Check (at the very last minute I might add when I noticed the one we had was expired, phew!).

The night before his departure we stayed up late talking.  I was trying to absorb every last bit of him hoping to bottle it up allowing it help me through the long seven weeks ahead.  Tears filled my eyes and I remember telling him that I wish I could go back in time, just for a moment.  I would have him be one or two again and curl up in my lap one more time.   I don't often miss that small child.  It is wonderful to watch your children become who God intended them to be.  But at that moment, sitting in the quiet of the living room, my heart ached for the chance to stroke that soft still-blonde hair and kiss his cherub face, soft and smooth.

So the time came to send him off.  I knew I would be sad and I knew it would be hard.  I just wasn't prepared for the tearing away at my heart.  The small part of me screaming to stop this foolishness and just come home.  So loud was that voice in my head I almost looked around to see if anyone else could hear it.  Just as I had waved, smiling to hide the tears as the campers' bus pulled away, once again I was saying good-bye.  Good-bye to the kids but more a good-bye to them relying on me completely.  Good-bye to a part of their childhood.  An introduction to making their own way in this world.  Thankful for baby steps.  My heart couldn't take it any other way.

It hasn't been a great summer.  It hasn't been a bad summer.  It has been a summer of change and growth.  A summer of letting go.

Writing Motivation

I have been in such a writing funk lately.  Not wanting to blog, not wanting to write in a journal, etc.  I often think about why and how I started blogging.  It was to share our time in England with family and friends.  That was easy.  I just had to write about what we were seeing, doing and experiencing on a daily basis.  I felt like I was your eyes and ears and it was so fun to give you updates.

Now we are home.

Now life is normal, or as normal as any life gets.

Now I feel I need to make up for the mundanity ( funny aside- I looked up the noun form of the word mundane, chuckling to myself.  Would it be mundaneness or possibly mundanity?  Well, both are actually acceptable.  Who knew?  Well, now we all do!)  Anyway, I need to make up for the ho-hum every day stuff by blogging big thoughts.  Now, don't misunderstand me.  I think of myself as a reasonably intelligent person and will even credit myself with some bona fide "big thoughts" from time to time.  It's just that, while raising five kids, managing a house and even substitute teaching more often lately than not, those big thoughts can be few and far between.  Then add the step of getting them from my head to the paper and you see another layer added to an already mounting problem.  But...

I am miserable if I am not writing.  I am composing things in my head all the time so I am always feeling guilty about not getting them down on paper or a screen, whatever the case may be.  I am also of the mindset that I need to hash it all out in my head then it will flow out flawlessly.  Wrong.  Oh so wrong.  Terribly wrong.

I was reading a blog yesterday, falling in love with the family's story.  Then it hit me.  I was wasting time reading everyone else's story when I needed to be writing mine.  Regardless of what it is.  Besides that, some of my best posts, in my opinion have been ones that start out one place, meander a little and end up where I didn't expect.  Not sure who said it but I love the quote- No surprise for the writer, no surprise for the reader.

So...I was lying in bed just about to slip into a summer siesta when the phone rang.  Bummer.  Then I saw that the number was from the kids' camp in North Carolina.  in one second flat, I am wide awake, heart pounding.  Funny how much runs through your mind and the way your body reacts to sudden stress.  Breathe, Dina, breathe.  Answer the phone.  Yes, yes, I know where you are calling from.  Broken bone, please say it is ONLY a broken bone.  I am sure it has to do with William- my two visit-by-the-time-he-was-four emergency room kid.  "Yes, Mrs. Zelden this is (fill in the blank here)."  If you offered me a million dollars, I couldn't recall the person's name.  My head was too busy yelling- spit it out, for God's sake, spit it out!  What is wrong and with which one of my kids?  "First of all let me reassure that that everything is fine with William."  Big, huge sigh of relief.  "Well, it seems William went over his store account.  He went on an overnight so sometimes this happens."  It seems he had accrued a fifteen dollar balance.  Yes, you read that right fifteen dollars.  Heart attacks come cheap these days.  A mere fifteen buckaroos!

Now I am relieved but wide awake so I make my way downstairs to the computer and here I am.
Writing again.  Thanks to Camp Chosatonga, William and a $15 balance.

I'll take motivation any way I can get it!
Dina

Five Favorites (The Blog Edition)

Thought today I would share five of my favorite blogs:

1.  Starry Sky Ranch- So, they say comparison is bad.  I know.  I've said it myself but I still do it.  Kim is amazing.  She is a homeschooling mom of ten children.  She's beautiful and so is her blog.  Remember when you were little and you noticed this amazing girl who was slightly older than you and you formed a girl crush?  Kim is my girl crush.  I would have wanted to be her when I was younger.  I still sort of do but it is not as acceptable to say that out loud when you are in your forties.   By the way, the post I have linked will make you cry.  You should read it.

2.  In the Sheepfold- Another "shouldn't compare, wish she was my older sister" story.  Love, love, love Kelly.  She is funny and real and I so wish I could hang out with her and her family.

3.  Zen Habits- If you are trying to improve anything about your life, this blog is a great resource and Leo is an excellent teacher.  His blog is simple and so is his approach to life.  You will feel refreshed and educated.  I used his principles of forming habits to begin and stick to my running program.  If you think maybe he is just a preachy guy who has always had his act together so he couldn't possilby understand you and where you are, think again.  Over the past seven years he has lost about 60 pounds, stopped smoking, gotten in shape and started eating healthy- one habit at a time.

4.  The Stone Soup- Recently stumbled onto this blog through Zen Habits.  I am going to use it to overhaul my meal planning technique which of late hasn't even existed so it shouldn't be hard to improve.  I am also going to use it to reintroduce veggies to my and my family's life.  Busy May always means  a lazy approach to food which generally means fast food and crap.  Jules Clancy to the rescue!  I even bought her Two Minute Mal Planning for $20.  Will let you know how it works out.  I am loving it already because she references the idea from Zen Habits of taking small, doable steps in changing the way you plan and prepare meals.  This all-or-nothing girl can always use a reminder.

5. She Reads and Novel Matters- Lumped these together so I could stick to the rule of five but also because they are both about one of my great loves- BOOKS!  I love She Reads for recommendations of books and getting to know authors.  I enjoy Novel Matters for reading and thinking about writing.  I hope for it to spark more actually writing on my part but for now I am mostly reading and thinking about it.

Happy Blog Reading!
Happy Tuesday!
Happy Summer!
Just Happy!

Dina

PS.  Want to see more favorites or share your own?  Check out Moxie Wife.