And Then There's February

It is was January.  That means out with the old and in with the new.  We face the new year, resolved to improve ourselves and our lives in every way.  Suddenly life is reduced to resolutions and to-do lists.  Measured by order and productivity.  Everything in it's place and a place for everything.    Eat, think, live, be- BETTER!

Every January I get swept up in this mindset but this January it had been weighing on me in particular.  This January is different from past years.  Lately, I have been working full-time.  Well, short-term, full-time if that makes sense.  There have been ample opportunities for me to substitute at my children's elementary school as several babies have been born over the past two years.  As my last maternity leave was nearing a close everyone started to ask the question,  SO....What will you do with ALL THAT TIME?  I know it was a perfectly innocent question, one asked out of friendly curiosity.  However, each time it was asked I felt stressed.  I felt pressured.  Surely now that I had managed a household of seven and worked full-time I would be able to solve the world's problems with ALL THAT TIME.  The question of what I would do had never loomed heavier on my mind or my heart.  I was becoming fearful of those empty days and hours.

I hadn't had very much time to adjust to life with all the kids in school.  I sent my youngest child off to preschool only months before the first long-term sub job started.  It seems I was just pondering my new life and it was gone before it started.  Suddenly I found myself on the outside looking in.  I was actually on the working woman side of the fence, peering in at this odd world.  What do stay-at-home moms do all day, anyway?  It is often asked with a bit of envy and a healthy dose of contempt.  What had I done before I worked?  Certainly moms with young children at home are given a pass so to speak.  We can all understand the amount of time it takes to care for a tantrum-throwing, mess-making, attention-demanding toddler.  But what happens when the kids all go to school?  Not sure what other stay-at-home moms do but I can sum up my first month home in two words: NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.  Think I am being funny?  Well, sort of.

I found myself waking up at 5:30 am hell bent on seizing the day (Dead Poets Society being one of my all time favorite movies, after all).  I would breathlessly worry my way through the day always wondering if my priorities were precise and what I else I could, would, should be doing.  By 10:30 pm, despite having crossed everything off my neatly- written to do list I collapsed in bed feeling like I had not accomplished enough.  Was I productive enough?  Was I creative enough?  I was striving to be both and losing my sanity in the tension it caused.  I think the word tension is key.  In researching the definition I came across this line which stunned me by how well it summed up my month:

When things feel so tight they might snap, that's tension.

Then I found this quote by Calvin and Hobbes writer Bill Waterson which gave me a laugh:

“God put me on earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I’m so far behind, I’ll never die.” 
― Bill Watterson

Doesn't that sum up the mentality of the modern world?  It feeds into the idea that if you are busy you are important.  Your life matters.  And busy means measurable results.  Productivity.  Beds made.  Laundry folded.

I lived my January in response to an argument in my head.  An argument with nameless, faceless working women.  An argument with a voice I had encountered a few times then continued to replay in my head- You stay home.  You are not important.  I was living my life justifying it to everyone who ever made a snide comment about women who choose not to work for a time.  I was living my life, making daily choices for every one else-  EVERYONE ELSE, who I finally realized turned out to be no one- not even myself.

Now February has arrived.  In college I had a Garfield cartoon on my bulletin board claiming February to be the "armpit of the year".  I loved it then but now I couldn't disagree more.   January is a fresh start which is too demanding in it's resolution, it's perfection, it's righting all the holiday wrongs.  Heck, righting a lifetime of wrongs.  That's just too much pressure for our feeble human nature.  And then there's February.  February is a kinder, gentler month.  January is a sprint.  February is the start of the long-distance run.  Where the rubber meets the road.  Where the wheat is separated from the chaff.  What change can you really implement and live with?  What change do you want to make for you alone, no matter what the world will think.

I am happy to have survived January with my sanity mostly in tact but I am also happy that it is now in the rear-view mirror.  I am thankful it is February.  I do, however, realize there is value in both. We need the hard slap in the face that is January.  We need to be productive.  We also need the humane dose of living within balance that February, and the months after, provide.  Just as there is value in and need for both productivity and creativity.  Work is necessary but production without creativity fueling it would turn us into robots, living to work.  "Are we sent here to do chores and hold horses?" asks Thoreau.  On the other hand, creativity- a real enthusiasm, inspiration and passion for something- without any production is useless.  Dr. George Sheehan writes:

     Otherwise, we are merely wishing, idle dreamers in the world of the flaccid spirit.  We must want something and want it badly- want it with the zeal and passion and enthusiasm of a Don Quixote or a missionary.  Then, we will suddenly find ourselves in motion, with a clear focus on our goal.  Once moved, the spirit and the flesh are like a team of matched horses, each asking more of the other.  Fused by the will for that brief and wonderful moment, the flesh and the spirit become one.
     I am-just as you are-a unique, never-to-be-repeated event in this universe.  Therefore, I have-just as you have- a unique, never-to-be-repeated role to play in this world.  Mine is a personal drama for which I am at once author, actor, director, and producer.

With a hard-fought January behind me and many lessons learned, I am ready to write, act, direct and produce a wonderful February that just may last a lifetime.

Dina

Seven (Really, Really) Quick Takes

1. Sam started playing the piano this afternoon and my heart leapt. Then he stopped.

 2. I just found out about the Eric Carle Museum of Picture Book Art and I would give anything to visit.

3. I love teaching. I love being the mom of five kids. I just don't like doing them at the same time. I am so thankful for the maternity leave opportunities I have had the last two years. It is the perfect balance. 

4. There aren't enough Fridays in the week. Who do I ask about adding another?

5. Completely blindsided by a particular postcard in the mail this week advertising SENIOR RINGS. When did that happen? Senior rings, college applications. I am. NOT. READY.

6. Read this, this week.  The next time you want to have a melt down when dealing with a difficult person, try "melting down" in this way.  Great advice.

7. Sam playing the piano sparked something in me so I picked up the computer to write this short post.  Although he stopped, it got me started.  That's a good thing.

Thanks to Jennifer at Conversion Diary for getting my blogging wheels in motion again!

Happy Friday!  Happy Weekend!

The Summer of Letting Go

How has our summer been you ask?  Well, there wasn't much time to catch my breath after packing up the classroom and putting the finishing touches on the school year.

First order of business was getting two children off for three weeks of camp in North Carolina.  With finishing the school year as a good excuse, this mom nearly forgot to reserve a spot on the bus for them.  Fortunately I called in the nick of time which meant there was a spot for each child but not their bags.  This had me scrambling to cram things into duffles and ship it off, leaving me a few dollars poorer.  Lesson learned, maybe.  Call earlier next time.  And hopefully there will be a next time because the kids came back three weeks later full of bug bites and stories and wonderful memories, wearing crosses around their necks given at the last "Friendship Council".  They still put them on faithfully every day which makes me happy.

After my campers were happily on their way, the next order of business was to prepare Sam for his summer in Germany.  Passport?  Check.  Appropriate wardrobe?  Check.  Epi-pen because he has severe nut allergies?  Check (at the very last minute I might add when I noticed the one we had was expired, phew!).

The night before his departure we stayed up late talking.  I was trying to absorb every last bit of him hoping to bottle it up allowing it help me through the long seven weeks ahead.  Tears filled my eyes and I remember telling him that I wish I could go back in time, just for a moment.  I would have him be one or two again and curl up in my lap one more time.   I don't often miss that small child.  It is wonderful to watch your children become who God intended them to be.  But at that moment, sitting in the quiet of the living room, my heart ached for the chance to stroke that soft still-blonde hair and kiss his cherub face, soft and smooth.

So the time came to send him off.  I knew I would be sad and I knew it would be hard.  I just wasn't prepared for the tearing away at my heart.  The small part of me screaming to stop this foolishness and just come home.  So loud was that voice in my head I almost looked around to see if anyone else could hear it.  Just as I had waved, smiling to hide the tears as the campers' bus pulled away, once again I was saying good-bye.  Good-bye to the kids but more a good-bye to them relying on me completely.  Good-bye to a part of their childhood.  An introduction to making their own way in this world.  Thankful for baby steps.  My heart couldn't take it any other way.

It hasn't been a great summer.  It hasn't been a bad summer.  It has been a summer of change and growth.  A summer of letting go.

Writing Motivation

I have been in such a writing funk lately.  Not wanting to blog, not wanting to write in a journal, etc.  I often think about why and how I started blogging.  It was to share our time in England with family and friends.  That was easy.  I just had to write about what we were seeing, doing and experiencing on a daily basis.  I felt like I was your eyes and ears and it was so fun to give you updates.

Now we are home.

Now life is normal, or as normal as any life gets.

Now I feel I need to make up for the mundanity ( funny aside- I looked up the noun form of the word mundane, chuckling to myself.  Would it be mundaneness or possibly mundanity?  Well, both are actually acceptable.  Who knew?  Well, now we all do!)  Anyway, I need to make up for the ho-hum every day stuff by blogging big thoughts.  Now, don't misunderstand me.  I think of myself as a reasonably intelligent person and will even credit myself with some bona fide "big thoughts" from time to time.  It's just that, while raising five kids, managing a house and even substitute teaching more often lately than not, those big thoughts can be few and far between.  Then add the step of getting them from my head to the paper and you see another layer added to an already mounting problem.  But...

I am miserable if I am not writing.  I am composing things in my head all the time so I am always feeling guilty about not getting them down on paper or a screen, whatever the case may be.  I am also of the mindset that I need to hash it all out in my head then it will flow out flawlessly.  Wrong.  Oh so wrong.  Terribly wrong.

I was reading a blog yesterday, falling in love with the family's story.  Then it hit me.  I was wasting time reading everyone else's story when I needed to be writing mine.  Regardless of what it is.  Besides that, some of my best posts, in my opinion have been ones that start out one place, meander a little and end up where I didn't expect.  Not sure who said it but I love the quote- No surprise for the writer, no surprise for the reader.

So...I was lying in bed just about to slip into a summer siesta when the phone rang.  Bummer.  Then I saw that the number was from the kids' camp in North Carolina.  in one second flat, I am wide awake, heart pounding.  Funny how much runs through your mind and the way your body reacts to sudden stress.  Breathe, Dina, breathe.  Answer the phone.  Yes, yes, I know where you are calling from.  Broken bone, please say it is ONLY a broken bone.  I am sure it has to do with William- my two visit-by-the-time-he-was-four emergency room kid.  "Yes, Mrs. Zelden this is (fill in the blank here)."  If you offered me a million dollars, I couldn't recall the person's name.  My head was too busy yelling- spit it out, for God's sake, spit it out!  What is wrong and with which one of my kids?  "First of all let me reassure that that everything is fine with William."  Big, huge sigh of relief.  "Well, it seems William went over his store account.  He went on an overnight so sometimes this happens."  It seems he had accrued a fifteen dollar balance.  Yes, you read that right fifteen dollars.  Heart attacks come cheap these days.  A mere fifteen buckaroos!

Now I am relieved but wide awake so I make my way downstairs to the computer and here I am.
Writing again.  Thanks to Camp Chosatonga, William and a $15 balance.

I'll take motivation any way I can get it!
Dina

Five Favorites (The Blog Edition)

Thought today I would share five of my favorite blogs:

1.  Starry Sky Ranch- So, they say comparison is bad.  I know.  I've said it myself but I still do it.  Kim is amazing.  She is a homeschooling mom of ten children.  She's beautiful and so is her blog.  Remember when you were little and you noticed this amazing girl who was slightly older than you and you formed a girl crush?  Kim is my girl crush.  I would have wanted to be her when I was younger.  I still sort of do but it is not as acceptable to say that out loud when you are in your forties.   By the way, the post I have linked will make you cry.  You should read it.

2.  In the Sheepfold- Another "shouldn't compare, wish she was my older sister" story.  Love, love, love Kelly.  She is funny and real and I so wish I could hang out with her and her family.

3.  Zen Habits- If you are trying to improve anything about your life, this blog is a great resource and Leo is an excellent teacher.  His blog is simple and so is his approach to life.  You will feel refreshed and educated.  I used his principles of forming habits to begin and stick to my running program.  If you think maybe he is just a preachy guy who has always had his act together so he couldn't possilby understand you and where you are, think again.  Over the past seven years he has lost about 60 pounds, stopped smoking, gotten in shape and started eating healthy- one habit at a time.

4.  The Stone Soup- Recently stumbled onto this blog through Zen Habits.  I am going to use it to overhaul my meal planning technique which of late hasn't even existed so it shouldn't be hard to improve.  I am also going to use it to reintroduce veggies to my and my family's life.  Busy May always means  a lazy approach to food which generally means fast food and crap.  Jules Clancy to the rescue!  I even bought her Two Minute Mal Planning for $20.  Will let you know how it works out.  I am loving it already because she references the idea from Zen Habits of taking small, doable steps in changing the way you plan and prepare meals.  This all-or-nothing girl can always use a reminder.

5. She Reads and Novel Matters- Lumped these together so I could stick to the rule of five but also because they are both about one of my great loves- BOOKS!  I love She Reads for recommendations of books and getting to know authors.  I enjoy Novel Matters for reading and thinking about writing.  I hope for it to spark more actually writing on my part but for now I am mostly reading and thinking about it.

Happy Blog Reading!
Happy Tuesday!
Happy Summer!
Just Happy!

Dina

PS.  Want to see more favorites or share your own?  Check out Moxie Wife.

On Shortcomings and Strengths

There is a priest I know who has lots of shortcomings.  Most people will roll their eyes or share an understood smirk when his name is mentioned.  He is an extremely intelligent and learned man. This intelligence and knowledge can make him hard to relate to personally and it definite makes it hard for kids to relate to him.  He can be a little condescending and snotty because of it as well BUT... 

After he finished his homily last Sunday, I turned to Mark and said- "He sure is good at giving homilies."    He educates, provoke more thought and applies the Gospel to everyday life- all in an appropriate time frame! 

Now for the light bulb moment.

I would be a lot happier and kinder person if I let go of what people AREN'T and focus on what they ARE.

Honestly, this thought struck me like a lightning bolt.  Think of all the people in your life and how often you dwell and harp on who they aren't, their weaknesses rather than their strengths.  Think about all the disappointment, stress, anger and sadness that has resulted- ON BOTH SIDES!  Husbands, wives, kids, friends.  The list goes on and on.  Even co-workers, bosses and anyone you interact with.  Why couldn't they just...?  Doesn't she know that...?  If only they would...!

Everyone has a good side, has assets and strengths.  These are the flip side of the coin to their weaknesses.  Often it is their strengths that dictate their weakness and the very thing you love about them begets the very thing that makes you crazy.

I'll share one more priest story because I think we expect SO much more of them.  They are men of God but they are MEN, after all- flesh and bones, different personalities, shortcomings and all.

Years ago I went to Mass with my grandmother.  I was very pregnant with Anne and had a three-year-old and 18-month-old in tow.  Child A bumped into Child B who then let out a cry.  Pause here for quick aside:

I always take small children out of Mass when they make noise.  Always.  I do think you need to give them a chance and as they get older the time IN church will finally begin to eclipse the time spent OUT of church. 

Back to the story.  Before I could even scoop Child B up and whisk them out, I was blocked by an usher waving a note in my face.  I was surprised and embarrassed so I took the note and quickly exited.  When I composed myself I looked at the small square of paper which read:  The 4 pm Mass is a non-disturbance Mass.  It went on for a few lines but after the first line, my heart started racing and I swear I saw stars!  I was furious!  Non-disturbance Mass?  All Masses should be non-disturbance!  A man was standing near me and could tell how upset I was so he asked if I was okay.  Of course, hormones were not on my side being seven months pregnant.  I can remember having a hard time even catching my breath.  I showed him the note.  He kind of shrugged and said- Yeah, well that was the alternative to what Father Brown used to do.  He would stop the Mass and stare down any offending family until they slunk out of the church in shame.  Long story short, I ended up confronting Father Brown after Mass, in my hormonal state.  The exchange amounted to him saying that he believed that children shouldn't come to Mass until they could sit still and be quiet while I shrieked back that I had a different opinion and I believed Jesus did as well.  I wish I could accurately describe the iciness of his manner, his steel blue eyes which showed not an ounce of warmth.  I thought it was not possible for this man to have any compassion in his heart and I hated him.  Honestly, I hated him and knew it was a sin to feel this way.  I halfheartedly prayed about it occasionally.

Fast forward a few years.  I was at Mass at another church and ran into a friend.  Somehow, Father Brown's name came up and I relayed the story to her.  She was on an email list that received a daily scriptural message from him.  Did I want to sign up?  Hmmmm?  Just retelling the story made me angry again.  On the other hand I had prayed that I wouldn't feel so awful towards him.  Maybe this was what I needed.  For the next few years, until just recently actually,  I read his message daily and encountered a different side of Father Brown.  Not only was I able to forgive his shortcomings, I was witness to his strengths.  There was not a ministry for Father Brown in dealing with young children but his reflections about the Saint of the day and the daily readings of Mass were inspired.  Now I can focus on what he IS rather than what he ISN'T and it has given me peace.

I have started trying to consciously work on this each day with the people I encounter.  It is not easy but it is a worthwhile practice because...

“When we seek to discover the best in others, 

we somehow bring out the best in ourselves.” 

- William Arthur Ward

Dina

Five Favorites

 I have BEEN wanting to participate in this post hosted by Moxie Wife.  I am sure you have been dying for me to participate too.  Well you can stop holding your breath because here are my five favorites for the moment.

1

pumpkin seeds (pepitas)

 I am completely, totally addicted to pumpkin seeds.  I buy them raw from Whole Foods and roast them myself.  They are fabulous!  Roasting them brings out a nutty flavor.  Besides, my favorite texture is hands-down CRUNCHY.  The crunchier the better which leads me to...

2

Whole Foods Seed-duction bread

Favorite number two is the Seed-duction bread from Whole Foods.  It is loaded with seeds- pumpkin, sunflower, flax seeds.  But...just to add a little extra crunch...for breakfast I toast up a slice then add a layer of roasted pumpkin seeds on top.  Did I mention I like crunchy foods?

3

Favorite three is the TV Show Arrested Development which I watch on Netflix.  Reason number one for watching it is simply staring at Jason Bateman.  Reason Number two is it is so freakin' funny.  Whenever I am in a grumpy, umpty mood this is my medication of choice.  Who needs pharmaceuticals when you have this?

4

Favorite four is Jeff Galloway.  I am counting on his run-walk-run method to get my bad knees across the Disney Princess half-marathon finish line.  I bought a book the other day (one of his many) titled something like...Running Until You Are 100.  And I thought, Wow!  Am I really being lumped in with the 100-year-olds?  Some days these knees feel that way so, fair enough.

5

Favorite five are Tru Melange candles.  They come in lots of sizes but my favorite is the 3.5 ounce tin.  I get them at Whole Foods.  They are fabulous enough to feel like a splurge yet cheap enough not to feel guilty about.  I love Harmony which is a blend of vanilla and peppermint which the company states is "a radiant, grounding blend that fills you with quiet energy, keen insight and welcome optimism."  I think that may be a little much for one small candle to live up to but one can always hope.  See, you can sense my welcome optimism since burning it.

Dina